The College Tour

Today I dropped the little one off at co-op in the care of friends and my husband and I took our older son on the tour of his college campus, the place he will call home in a little over four months.  It was a rainy and dreary day, but despite this, I could tell that the campus was well kept, pleasing to the eye and orderly. We went along with out group, hearing about all the fun the kids were going to have, all the cool groups they could join, all the awesome services that were offered to them, from tutoring to computer fixing.  We saw all the places they could eat, hang with friends and relax outside.  We saw their dorm rooms and were told about the awesomeness of living with a roommate.  My husband thought it was the coolest thing he had ever seen and told our son he was jealous of the experience he was about to embark on.  I smiled, nodded, agreed that this definitely sounded like alot of fun.  In all honesty, the tour made me feel better about his being there.  It did look wonderful and the opportunities were so abundant.  I could see him thriving there, making friends, succeeding in his quest to become a sports broadcaster and journalist.  I know that he will succeed in making his dreams come true.  There is no question.  He is driven and goal oriented and he knows what he wants out of life.

The problem for me, however, is to do all these wonderful things, he has to leave home.  I know all the things that everyone says..... I know "it's time".  I know "he needs to branch out on his own".  I know that "he's still my boy and always will be".  I know "he's only 20 minutes away".  I know.  I know.  I know.  But does everyone have any idea how much I love this boy?  Does anyone know how it makes me not be able to breathe when I think about him leaving home?  Does anyone know how hard this is going to be for me?  It's not that I don't want him to go.  I do.  I'm just not ready.  The problem is, I'll never be ready.  I realize that this and I know this is my problem and not his.  I know I will survive and there will be a new normal.  I know I will be so proud of him.  I know he will visit often. I know he will still be my boy.  I also know that I am going to miss him so much that I won't know what to do with myself.  But I will survive.  I have before and I will again.  And I will be so proud of the man that my boy will become.

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