My "Little" Girl
Twenty seven years ago today I gave birth to my first child in a hospital in Wurzburg, Germany after three days of unproductive labor. I was nineteen years old and just a child myself, I suppose, but I wanted her so badly and after the shock of her being a girl, after everyone "knew" I was carrying a boy, I jumped right into motherhood with both feet. My own mother had come to Germany to be with me, but it was stressful, as she is a very domineering woman who wanted to take over and do it all her way. I stood strong, ended up hurting my mom's feelings, and doing things MY way. My daughter was an easy baby, crying only when her belly hurt and sleeping very well, but I can still remember the day when it dawned on me that I could not even go to the bathroom now without knowing what was going on with this little life. The realization was overwhelming! My husband was gone alot and I was alone in a foreign country, so I had no choice but to rely on my own instincts and hope that I was doing the right thing.
By the time we went home for a visit between our tour in Germany and our last year in the service in Colorado, I was a confident young mother and my daughter was a friendly, alert three month old. The family all met us at the airport to meet her, but my mom was crushed when she didn't want to go to anyone. After all, they knew about her, but she didn't know about them!
We were home for about six weeks and there was alot of tension between my mother and I. She was determined to do it her way and I was determined to do it mine. We ended up not speaking for several days, but I think that finally got the point across and things were better after that. My father and my daughter, however, fell in love with one another. It was a relationship that would stand the test of time.
We lived in Colorado for a year before my husband got out of the military. Kris grew into a very bright, happy toddler, walking at nine months old and taking three naps a day. When she woke up, she played happily in her crib, talking to her toys. By a year, she was playing with her toys and putting them back on the shelf! Honestly! We returned to Maryland the summer after her first birthday. We lived a few different places, finally settling in a nice home in Arbutus. Kris had my father wrapped around one pinky and my mother wrapped around the other. She would chatter away in her Mickey Mouse voice, petite and tanned with a silky blond bowl cut. She would sing, dance and light up the room! Just after she turned two life changed for all of us. A sister was born, who would be her shadow for the next several years, and the marriage to her father ended. Through it all, she was my strength and the light of my life. She helped me survive some very tough times, always being right there with me, even though I tried to hide the stress. She knew me so well.
We three girls were inseparable! Kris was tiny and petite and Keri was big for her age, roly poly and adorable. I dressed them alike and got compliments everywhere I went, most people just assuming that they were twins. The girls and I lived with my dad for some time and he would be a daily fixture in their young lives up until his death. We all idolized PopPop and he treated us like princesses....who loved "chocolate krueller" donuts lol.
When Kris was four and her baby sister was a year and a half, we met Daddy, who would swoop in on his gallant steed and whisk us girls away. I will never forget when Kris first met him, sitting at our table drinking orange juice one late summer morning. Keri was at the top of the steps waiting for her cue and Kris poked her head down into the kitchen and gave Brian the once over. She wanted to know who he was, why he was here and where he came from. She edged closer, taking him in and trying to make up her mind if he was acceptable. And then he baited the line and tossed it into the water. "Do you and your sister like ice cream? You do? Well, I have asked Mommy to watch me play baseball later and I thought you could come too and then we could all go for ice cream. What do you think?" Score! She took the bait and the rest is history.
We were lucky, in the sense that there never was any mention of "stepfamily" in our home. My husband was the girl's Daddy. Their natural father, was their father. They saw him here and there, but he was not dependable. Daddy, however, was always there, reading bedtime stories, watching ballet recitals and playing tickle bug on the sofa. We were blessed and we were happy. Before too long, we welcomed a baby brother. Kris found her calling that day, I believe. My little momma took her premature brother into her heart and under her wing. All her maternal instincts kicked in to her little eight year old body and from that day forth she practiced her parenting skills on him, waiting on the day she would have her own child.
Over the years there were rocky times. She was always in tune to me, but we went through those rocky preteen and early teen years when nothing I did was quite right or quite good enough. She wouldn't outwardly say hurtful things, but she didn't want me to pry into her business and, while she would do things with me and bring her friends around, I wasn't the one who heard her secrets or who knew what was in her heart. Through it all, however, I knew that she would come out okay on the other side. She was so much like me and I understood that meant pushing away to find out who she really was apart from me.
Kris graduated from high school just after starting the first serious relationship of her life. Her boyfriend was younger and she had chosen him carefully. I loved him....still do to this day....and he was a permanent fixture in our house for a long time. When she was twenty, we also got another permanent fixture. Brother number two was born. I think that this was bittersweet for my daughter because by that time I believe she truly wanted a child of her own. She again took her baby brother into her heart and under her wing and I knew then, as I do now, that if something ever happened to me, she was the one I would want to raise those boys. She loved them almost as much as I did and knew them every bit as well.
There were more rocky years, moving in and out, breaking up and starting anew. She wasn't gone long and spent the majority of time living in her large room in our basement. I loved having her there and secretly hoped that she would stay for years and years....until one day, when I went into her room and realized that she wanted so much more. She wanted a marriage like her Daddy and I had, a house to call a home and she wanted to fill it with children. I grew up a bit that day. I put my wants and needs aside and starting praying for her wishes to come true.
Two and a half years ago my daughter got married. It was NOT the wedding I had envisioned! but it was done her way...short, sweet and to the point. Her soldier husband was stationed in Germany, but not for long, so she would stay for six more months here at home and then she would be moving....away.
I spent many, many, many nights crying over what might happen. She had been my sidekick for so long. We had been through it all together and she knew me and her sister and brothers and all our history and I didn't even have to say a word. We were on the same page. People hated to play games with us like Pictionary because as a team, we were unbeatable. She would draw a line and I would guess the picture. I would be baking and put out a hand and in it, she would put what I needed, no words spoken. What would I do without her? Who would be that person who knew me so well?
Well, she did move and I survived. I cried and my heart broke into tiny pieces, but I picked them up and I survived. She made me proud, making a little home for herself and her husband in North Carolina. They visited often and I treasured the time she would spend at home. We visited a few times too, and it was fun to turn the tables, helping her make food in her own kitchen and do chores in her own house. Then in September of that year she came home....and told me that her dreams were coming true. She was pregnant! Oh what joy! And what sorrow! A grandbaby! But my baby would be pregnant without me! She would grow and change and need me and I wouldn't be there! More tears. More acceptance. She came home often at first and spent the whole month of February with us. Her baby shower was in March and besides that, through the miracle of Skype and the internet, I did get to see her grow. April was a very tough month. She found out she had gestational diabetes and she was sick and needed help to figure it all out. I couldn't be there for her. And, for the first time in her life, I wouldn't be with her on her birthday. I spent most of the day feeling sorry for myself and then decided to bake her a cake, even though she wouldn't be able to eat it. We ended up using Skype to see her and we did get to sing her Happy Birthday and she got to laugh and when her dad pushed her little brother's face in the cake. Dakota and I missed her so much during that long year! It was nice to be able to still do silly things as a family, even if it wasn't in a traditional manner.
In late May of 2011, my husband, Dakota and I made the trip to North Carolina. I wouldn't miss being there when my baby had her own baby. I was right there through 36 long hours of labor. I held her hand and she held my heart. On May 26, 2011, at 3:40 in the afternoon, I watched as my daughter gave birth to her own daughter and I know that I will remember that moment for the rest of my life.
So now here we are, a year later. Kris and her family moved home in August. They are living close by now, right in our neighborhood, but are set to move soon. Thankfully only 20 minutes away this time. My daughter and I are once again hand in hand and heart to heart. She is an everyday part of my life, as is my precious granddaughter. She parents and I grandparent Natalie in the same way, learning from each other and respecting the wisdom that we both have. We are mothers, first and foremost and we love that little girl with all our hearts. She helps me still with her brothers and I help her with her daughter. I respect her judgment and her opinion and I try to stand back and let her shine. I am incredibly thankful for this gift of a daughter. My life would be so very empty without her. She is my child, but she is also my friend. I wouldn't change that for the world. Happy Birthday, Princess. And many, many more. I love you!!
By the time we went home for a visit between our tour in Germany and our last year in the service in Colorado, I was a confident young mother and my daughter was a friendly, alert three month old. The family all met us at the airport to meet her, but my mom was crushed when she didn't want to go to anyone. After all, they knew about her, but she didn't know about them!
We were home for about six weeks and there was alot of tension between my mother and I. She was determined to do it her way and I was determined to do it mine. We ended up not speaking for several days, but I think that finally got the point across and things were better after that. My father and my daughter, however, fell in love with one another. It was a relationship that would stand the test of time.
We lived in Colorado for a year before my husband got out of the military. Kris grew into a very bright, happy toddler, walking at nine months old and taking three naps a day. When she woke up, she played happily in her crib, talking to her toys. By a year, she was playing with her toys and putting them back on the shelf! Honestly! We returned to Maryland the summer after her first birthday. We lived a few different places, finally settling in a nice home in Arbutus. Kris had my father wrapped around one pinky and my mother wrapped around the other. She would chatter away in her Mickey Mouse voice, petite and tanned with a silky blond bowl cut. She would sing, dance and light up the room! Just after she turned two life changed for all of us. A sister was born, who would be her shadow for the next several years, and the marriage to her father ended. Through it all, she was my strength and the light of my life. She helped me survive some very tough times, always being right there with me, even though I tried to hide the stress. She knew me so well.
We three girls were inseparable! Kris was tiny and petite and Keri was big for her age, roly poly and adorable. I dressed them alike and got compliments everywhere I went, most people just assuming that they were twins. The girls and I lived with my dad for some time and he would be a daily fixture in their young lives up until his death. We all idolized PopPop and he treated us like princesses....who loved "chocolate krueller" donuts lol.
When Kris was four and her baby sister was a year and a half, we met Daddy, who would swoop in on his gallant steed and whisk us girls away. I will never forget when Kris first met him, sitting at our table drinking orange juice one late summer morning. Keri was at the top of the steps waiting for her cue and Kris poked her head down into the kitchen and gave Brian the once over. She wanted to know who he was, why he was here and where he came from. She edged closer, taking him in and trying to make up her mind if he was acceptable. And then he baited the line and tossed it into the water. "Do you and your sister like ice cream? You do? Well, I have asked Mommy to watch me play baseball later and I thought you could come too and then we could all go for ice cream. What do you think?" Score! She took the bait and the rest is history.
We were lucky, in the sense that there never was any mention of "stepfamily" in our home. My husband was the girl's Daddy. Their natural father, was their father. They saw him here and there, but he was not dependable. Daddy, however, was always there, reading bedtime stories, watching ballet recitals and playing tickle bug on the sofa. We were blessed and we were happy. Before too long, we welcomed a baby brother. Kris found her calling that day, I believe. My little momma took her premature brother into her heart and under her wing. All her maternal instincts kicked in to her little eight year old body and from that day forth she practiced her parenting skills on him, waiting on the day she would have her own child.
Over the years there were rocky times. She was always in tune to me, but we went through those rocky preteen and early teen years when nothing I did was quite right or quite good enough. She wouldn't outwardly say hurtful things, but she didn't want me to pry into her business and, while she would do things with me and bring her friends around, I wasn't the one who heard her secrets or who knew what was in her heart. Through it all, however, I knew that she would come out okay on the other side. She was so much like me and I understood that meant pushing away to find out who she really was apart from me.
Kris graduated from high school just after starting the first serious relationship of her life. Her boyfriend was younger and she had chosen him carefully. I loved him....still do to this day....and he was a permanent fixture in our house for a long time. When she was twenty, we also got another permanent fixture. Brother number two was born. I think that this was bittersweet for my daughter because by that time I believe she truly wanted a child of her own. She again took her baby brother into her heart and under her wing and I knew then, as I do now, that if something ever happened to me, she was the one I would want to raise those boys. She loved them almost as much as I did and knew them every bit as well.
There were more rocky years, moving in and out, breaking up and starting anew. She wasn't gone long and spent the majority of time living in her large room in our basement. I loved having her there and secretly hoped that she would stay for years and years....until one day, when I went into her room and realized that she wanted so much more. She wanted a marriage like her Daddy and I had, a house to call a home and she wanted to fill it with children. I grew up a bit that day. I put my wants and needs aside and starting praying for her wishes to come true.
Two and a half years ago my daughter got married. It was NOT the wedding I had envisioned! but it was done her way...short, sweet and to the point. Her soldier husband was stationed in Germany, but not for long, so she would stay for six more months here at home and then she would be moving....away.
I spent many, many, many nights crying over what might happen. She had been my sidekick for so long. We had been through it all together and she knew me and her sister and brothers and all our history and I didn't even have to say a word. We were on the same page. People hated to play games with us like Pictionary because as a team, we were unbeatable. She would draw a line and I would guess the picture. I would be baking and put out a hand and in it, she would put what I needed, no words spoken. What would I do without her? Who would be that person who knew me so well?
Well, she did move and I survived. I cried and my heart broke into tiny pieces, but I picked them up and I survived. She made me proud, making a little home for herself and her husband in North Carolina. They visited often and I treasured the time she would spend at home. We visited a few times too, and it was fun to turn the tables, helping her make food in her own kitchen and do chores in her own house. Then in September of that year she came home....and told me that her dreams were coming true. She was pregnant! Oh what joy! And what sorrow! A grandbaby! But my baby would be pregnant without me! She would grow and change and need me and I wouldn't be there! More tears. More acceptance. She came home often at first and spent the whole month of February with us. Her baby shower was in March and besides that, through the miracle of Skype and the internet, I did get to see her grow. April was a very tough month. She found out she had gestational diabetes and she was sick and needed help to figure it all out. I couldn't be there for her. And, for the first time in her life, I wouldn't be with her on her birthday. I spent most of the day feeling sorry for myself and then decided to bake her a cake, even though she wouldn't be able to eat it. We ended up using Skype to see her and we did get to sing her Happy Birthday and she got to laugh and when her dad pushed her little brother's face in the cake. Dakota and I missed her so much during that long year! It was nice to be able to still do silly things as a family, even if it wasn't in a traditional manner.
In late May of 2011, my husband, Dakota and I made the trip to North Carolina. I wouldn't miss being there when my baby had her own baby. I was right there through 36 long hours of labor. I held her hand and she held my heart. On May 26, 2011, at 3:40 in the afternoon, I watched as my daughter gave birth to her own daughter and I know that I will remember that moment for the rest of my life.
So now here we are, a year later. Kris and her family moved home in August. They are living close by now, right in our neighborhood, but are set to move soon. Thankfully only 20 minutes away this time. My daughter and I are once again hand in hand and heart to heart. She is an everyday part of my life, as is my precious granddaughter. She parents and I grandparent Natalie in the same way, learning from each other and respecting the wisdom that we both have. We are mothers, first and foremost and we love that little girl with all our hearts. She helps me still with her brothers and I help her with her daughter. I respect her judgment and her opinion and I try to stand back and let her shine. I am incredibly thankful for this gift of a daughter. My life would be so very empty without her. She is my child, but she is also my friend. I wouldn't change that for the world. Happy Birthday, Princess. And many, many more. I love you!!
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