Consistency
I am having trouble in my life right now for numerous reasons, but I was thinking today that one of the things that is throwing me so off balance is the lack of consistency in the most important things in my life. I used to know what was coming next, who was here now and who would be here later. I knew how those that I hold closest felt, both about me and about life...or so I thought. In the last few weeks, however, I just don't know about anything. There have been major upheavals and I'm not sure what each day will bring. Some days my son calls home, chats openly and shares his day. Some days he doesn't contact me at all and if I try to talk to him he mumbles and pushes me away. Some days he's home. Some days he isn't. The relationship with my husband is the same way too recently. Good. Bad. Hot. Cold. Smooth. Bumpy. A promising tomorrow. An empty future.
This is all very confusing to a woman who lives her life for structure and routine. I wake up in the morning feeling panicked because in that half awake time early in the morning I can't remember what kind of day yesterday was and what kind of day today will be. I wonder why so much seems to be coming at me at once and I feel overwhelmed and helpless, wishing for the structure and certainty that used to fill my world.
So I cope in the only way I know how....I do what IS consistent. I watch my granddaughter. I school my son. I clean my house and keep up my calendar. Some days I feel needed and other days I feel cast aside for more important things.
I know that there are better days ahead. I know that God only gives us as much as we can handle. I know faith will see me through. But today, and most of the days in the past few weeks, I wonder what I did to deserve so much piled up on my shoulders all at once. I feel kicked when I am down. I feel lost in my own home. I wish things would get too some new normal that I can handle. I am a busy woman and I have way too much that I am responsible for to be sidetracked by constant fears and heartaches. I lean on the Serenity Prayer and I know that eventually it will get me through.
This is all very confusing to a woman who lives her life for structure and routine. I wake up in the morning feeling panicked because in that half awake time early in the morning I can't remember what kind of day yesterday was and what kind of day today will be. I wonder why so much seems to be coming at me at once and I feel overwhelmed and helpless, wishing for the structure and certainty that used to fill my world.
So I cope in the only way I know how....I do what IS consistent. I watch my granddaughter. I school my son. I clean my house and keep up my calendar. Some days I feel needed and other days I feel cast aside for more important things.
I know that there are better days ahead. I know that God only gives us as much as we can handle. I know faith will see me through. But today, and most of the days in the past few weeks, I wonder what I did to deserve so much piled up on my shoulders all at once. I feel kicked when I am down. I feel lost in my own home. I wish things would get too some new normal that I can handle. I am a busy woman and I have way too much that I am responsible for to be sidetracked by constant fears and heartaches. I lean on the Serenity Prayer and I know that eventually it will get me through.
Comments
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/09/how-to-cultivate-the-habit-of-focus-in-an-age-of-distraction/
Some days go smoothly for us, and I think, "We're doing great!" Other days are chaos, and I moan, "What was I thinking??" Just gotta keep on, keepin' on.