Trouble with My Tween

Ah, the years of tweendom and teendom are upon us and I am not happy about it.  My Dakota can be so sweet and loving one minute and mean and dangerously angry the next.  He has always had a swagger and an attitude, but the older he gets, the more I am concerned for the next ten years here in our home.  I want so much for us to maintain a close and loving relationship, but days like today have me fearful of what his teen years may bring.

Today started out as a typical Monday.  He doesn't want to get up.  He doesn't want to get dressed.  He doesn't want to start his schoolwork.  He yawns and mopes, complains and carries on.  Lately, he has begun to talk back, repeatedly speaking on top of me, yelling, stomping, being rude and vindictive.  This has been going on for several weeks and when I keep my composure and ask him to be quiet he simply cannot.  He can not be completely quiet.  He must make a comment, get the last word.  He doesn't hear what I say because he can't stop complaining and carrying on long enough to listen.

I have repeatedly told him that if homeschooling ceases to be fun, we will put him in public school.  He is completely against this, but I fear it may happen sooner than I had planned.  I was at my wit's end by lunchtime today.  It doesn't matter if the work is hard or easy, if we do fun experiments, go on field trips or write a report.  He is lazy and manipulative and does not want to work.  My feeling is that if homeschooling is working and we are enjoying each other, than we will continue, but if it is a constant struggle, it isn't worth it for either of us.  I would be really sad to end this part of my life, as it defines me in so many ways, but this endeavor is supposed to be enhancing my relationship with my son and I don't see that happening most days.

At lunchtime today I decided that we were going to go with a behavior chart.  I made one up, giving him a warning and a consequence, essentially four strikes before he is out.  The first strike is 15 minutes of extra chores before he gets to do his own thing.  The second strike is the chore time and two chapters of a book before he gets to do his own thing.  The third strike is no video games of any sort, but he can watch TV before bed.  His fourth strike is no screens of any sort.  Screen time is what hits home for him and I'll use it if I must to enforce my rules.  At day's end, his father must sign the behavior contract.

Dakota lost his mind when I put the chart up.  He stated this was embarrassing and unfair and he did NOT want this chart up on the door where everyone could see it.  I moved it to the refrigerator and he still was losing it.  We finally put it in a folder, but he would not look at it nor would he let me explain it to him.  He was out of control now and very, very angry.  He quickly got his first two warnings and two strikes.  After about 30 minutes, he calmed down and worked in the kitchen with me making bread dough and doing experiments.  All was well until 3:00 when I told him we were finished and then enforced the consequences.  Wow!  Angry didn't even begin to describe him.  My husband happened to be home and he addressed the issues, but Dakota was rude to him too, which really made my husband unhappy.  Never before, in our almost 30 years of parenting, have we dealt with outright defiance and anger directed specifically at us.  I feel that if we don't control this now, we will be on the losing end of every day in a few short years.

Tonight Dakota wants to act like nothing ever happened.  I am not over it.  It is definitely lingering on my mind.  I feel this is a serious issue and one that is completely new to me.  My daughters would get angry, but they would slam their bedroom doors and turn up their music before letting loose on their anger in private.  My older son was super mellow and sweet and very devoted to me.  I never dealt with anger issues with him.  The youngest has always had a temper and now the hormones are getting involved and it's just getting ugly.  Please say a little prayer for me if you are reading this that my son and I will resolve this issue and our relationship will stay a close one.  I love him so much and I don't want him to be a distant, angry teenager.

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