I had a rough evening and an even rougher day because I didn't get much sleep last night. My heart was hurt, which happens to me more often than to most. I know that turning 50 in a few weeks is a milestone and in lots of ways I have been preparing in good ways for the "second half of my life". I am less critical of some things and more critical of others. I cry rarely these days, but hurt more. I want more than anything to feel appreciated and yet I feel like the men in my life only notice my existence when they want something I have not provided. I have a 22 year old son living at home who used to think I walked on air and did no wrong. Now that he has a Ms. Right in his heart, however, and she is at home in another state for summer break from college, he is extremely moody and often lashes out at me.....something he never did in his 21 years prior. He is all wrapped up in his future and I am just along to watch. I am criticized if I don't have the answers to all his dilemmas, but my advice is scorned more often than not these days because I just don't seem to understand him anymore, he says. Okay. He has earned this love. I try to not to feel wounded as he gave me 21 years of "worship" lol. I will survive this heartache because he has been such a doting son.
Then there is the 10 year old. He can be harsh! Where son #1 always thought I did no wrong, son #2 thinks I do no right. He is often rude and disrespectful and then lashes out when he is corrected. Dad is most often on his side and together they whisper about how I am the villain. Very soon I believe he won't like me much at all and while that breaks my heart I signed on the dotted line at his birth to be a parent first and a friend second. I just hope he doesn't completely break my heart in the process of growing up.
Then there is my husband. THE man in my life. But he has hit his stride in life and there is little room for me. He wants me here and wants what I provide as the one who runs the home and raises the kids and the supporter of his efforts, but he doesn't want to be bothered with me in the sense that he doesn't have the time nor desire to entertain my wishes for walks in the park, a dinner just us two, conversation that isn't interrupted by kids, something that I like that he may not. He wants me to be independent because he is. He doesn't want me to put any restrictions or guidelines down because he is his own man. When I tell him it's part of the package after being married for 25 years he is not interested. He has his goals in line, his dreams within reach and I am a hinderance to all that. He is a good provider and a wonderful father. He is the love of my life. But time, which I crave so very much, isn't something he has to give right now. I am trying to be brave and pull up my big girl panties and champion his efforts as one day I would want him to champion mine.
Now when I read this back it seems I am either pitying myself or I have crappy men in my life. They are not. They are the loves of my life. I adore them. I live for them. Saying they want to be independent is not really true. They are very dependent on me to be and do and find and wash and whatever it is they need. My husband says to go and do whatever it is I want to do......but how can I when they all would be blindsided if I stopped doing what it is I do as their mother and wife. They say this is nonsense. Those that look from the outside in know differently. My men are spoiled. What?? No dinner? What?? My uniform isn't washed?? What?? You have plans and can't get me there?? What?? I guess every mother and wife go through this. Maybe not. Most women I see are the nurturers, but they are nurtured as well. I only dream of being nurtured. I feel like a chicken freshly plucked from life's demands and when I voice this I am told to stop and do what I want. Oh, but the uproar when I do!! Work and making money is necessary. How I work is not anyone's cup of tea. Do more of this, but less of that and when I do then I need to do more of that and less of this. Take things off you plate, but make sure it's not this or this or this or this or......
I never understood women who "ran away" from their families and it is something I would never, ever do, but sometimes I sort of understand. How do you come to terms with the demands from family and work and deal with the needs that you have for yourself? I wish sometimes someone would call my name and when I answer say what do YOU want to do tonight? What would YOU like for dinner? Is there something YOU need done by tomorrow to make your day easier? Come here, they would say, and just take a hug. Let me give you some affection to get you through a tough afternoon. But when I have a tough afternoon or I get grouchy because I have too much on my plate I get long looks and quiet grumbles about whey did I choose to do such and such if it was going to make me grouchy for those I need to be here for.
So today I will battle my demons. I will chase away the blues. I will conquer the weariness and the aching heart. I will be here for the men in my life and for my daughters and for my three granddaughters. And I will ask for them to please remember that sometimes momma/Cindy needs someone to be there for her too. But they will never know. They don't read my blog... :/