Weighing Heavy On My Miind

The past six months have been a roller coaster time in my life.  There have been times I am sure of myself and other times I am questioning everything I have ever been or done. Maybe I just care too much about what others think of me and what I have accomplished in my life or what I am setting out to accomplish.  I feel successful, having raised three well mannered, kind, good hearted children and working on raising the fourth.  I am a hands on Nana to my granddaughter and hope I can be just as close to my new grandbaby who is due in October.  I take care of my home, my husband and my family.  I am a good wife, a good mother,  a good daughter, a good sister, a good aunt, a good daughter in law, a good friend....I think. My life is going predictably in the direction I always thought it would, but it seems that maybe this wasn't what other people in my life may have wanted for me..important people.  I have never had a career outside of raising my family.  I have never made much money.  I always thought that I have worked hard for what I wanted, even though I didn't usually get paid for what I did.  I thought that others saw me as a go-getter and a hard worker.  A high achiever.  But it seems that some people see me as not pulling my weight, so to speak, in the effort to make life easier for all concerned.  I am, quite frankly, crushed by this revelation and I am not sure what to do with my feelings.  At almost 48, it's way too late to change the past, but how much of my future am I willing to sacrifice to make others proud of me?  I have always lived with traditional values.  I stayed at home to keep the home fires burning and to be there for everyone.  My husband was the breadwinner, bringing in the money to keep us going and being "the dad", the one we all waited for each day.  I have tried to help financially, walking that fine line between being a homemaker and a work at home mom.  It's not easy because you have to find a legitimate job and the time and when you take the time to work, you don't have the time to be there 100% for your family.  That's tough.  Am I being enabled by my husband to live a lifestyle where I am not contributing to the family sufficiently?  Is he having to work overtime and harder to make up for my lack of financial contribution?  These thoughts tear at my soul.  I love homeschooling my son and watching my granddaughter and the thought of helping to care for the new grandbaby in the winter.  I love being home for my husband when he needs me or wants me there.  I love that when my kids need me, I am available to them first and foremost.  But when some people look at me, do they see me as someone who is working hard at what she does? The thought that my husband puts in extra hours and is extra tired because I am not pulling my weight is just more than I can bear.  The guilt is overwhelming, the sadness overpowering.

I am trying to start a new career as a travel agent and I think I can be highly successful at it, but it will take time to fly.  Maybe, God willing, this will be the door to open where I can still do all the things that matter so much to my heart and still be able to add my paycheck to my husbands to help things around here. Can I have it all?  Maybe I am being too sensitive.  Maybe not.  All I know is it really matters to me.  It is weighing very heavy on my mind and in my heart.  It's my whole life laid out before me and how I see it.  Not being able to change the past and possibly having to change my plans for the future.....I have a lot to think about.