I Miss Him
So the deed is done....my son is settled nicely in his dorm room. I met his roommate and his roommate's parents and they all seem very nice. The room is okay.....not terrible. To me it seems like someplace I definitely would not want to live. To him, I am sure, it looks like paradise. It's his first place of his own. He can do what he wants, when he wants. He can not make his bed, leave trash on the floor and eat all the crap he wants in one sitting if that's what he chooses :-). He has his computer, his PS3, his helmets, a fridge, microwave and bed. What more does one need at nineteen? He called me last night briefly to say he was tired, happy and ready for to go do some more. He texted me this morning before orientation and talked to his dad for awhile today, but I haven't heard his voice. And my heart hurts....
I am not going to be the kind of mother who calls him constantly. I will not infringe on his time. I will not ask about every detail of his life. But I will keep my phone close and hope that it will ring and treasure every little morsel of information he sends my way.
The house seems empty. It's not. We still have a seven year old here....a very active, noisy seven year old. The husband and I are here. The two dogs and the cat are here. Just not the boy. His room is neat and clean. His bed is made. But it is quiet.....way, way, way too quiet. I blared the radio for awhile today just to not be able to hear myself think, because that's how it was around here....loud. He played his music loudly and sang even louder. I loved it. Every minute. I absolutely love to hear my son sing in his crazy out of tune way. Let's be honest....I absolutely love every single thing about my son. I have been madly in love with him from the minute he was born.....and I miss him. Terribly. I am on the verge of tears constantly. My thoughts are always on him. My eyes find every picture of him hanging on the walls. I have constant movies playing in my mind...Brian at 2lbs and in the NICU...Brian as a noisy toddler....Brian playing football at six....Brian sitting at the table for school at nine, Brian heading off to high school...Brian hugging me goodbye...Brian , Brian, Brian. He was such a constant fixture in my life. And I miss him. I miss him. I miss him so damn much.
I feel very guilty. I do want him to have this experience. I do think he's going to have a fantastic time. I do think that when the first few days of hectic but fun activities die down he'll call to share more. I feel guilty because most people's sons and daughters go much farther away. I feel guilty because I am going to see my son for at least a little while on Wednesday, just three days away, and some moms won't see their kid till Thanksgivng. I feel guilty because some people have a tragedy and wish with all their heart that their child was just at college and not lost to them forever.
God has always been good to me. He has answered my prayers. He has protected my children. He has kept things manageable for me. He tests me, but not enough to break me. I know that God is helping me ease into this adult son thing. I know he'll guide me through and that soon it won't hurt so much. But today, right this minute, it's engulfing my soul. I feel incredibly sad. I miss my son.
I am not going to be the kind of mother who calls him constantly. I will not infringe on his time. I will not ask about every detail of his life. But I will keep my phone close and hope that it will ring and treasure every little morsel of information he sends my way.
The house seems empty. It's not. We still have a seven year old here....a very active, noisy seven year old. The husband and I are here. The two dogs and the cat are here. Just not the boy. His room is neat and clean. His bed is made. But it is quiet.....way, way, way too quiet. I blared the radio for awhile today just to not be able to hear myself think, because that's how it was around here....loud. He played his music loudly and sang even louder. I loved it. Every minute. I absolutely love to hear my son sing in his crazy out of tune way. Let's be honest....I absolutely love every single thing about my son. I have been madly in love with him from the minute he was born.....and I miss him. Terribly. I am on the verge of tears constantly. My thoughts are always on him. My eyes find every picture of him hanging on the walls. I have constant movies playing in my mind...Brian at 2lbs and in the NICU...Brian as a noisy toddler....Brian playing football at six....Brian sitting at the table for school at nine, Brian heading off to high school...Brian hugging me goodbye...Brian , Brian, Brian. He was such a constant fixture in my life. And I miss him. I miss him. I miss him so damn much.
I feel very guilty. I do want him to have this experience. I do think he's going to have a fantastic time. I do think that when the first few days of hectic but fun activities die down he'll call to share more. I feel guilty because most people's sons and daughters go much farther away. I feel guilty because I am going to see my son for at least a little while on Wednesday, just three days away, and some moms won't see their kid till Thanksgivng. I feel guilty because some people have a tragedy and wish with all their heart that their child was just at college and not lost to them forever.
God has always been good to me. He has answered my prayers. He has protected my children. He has kept things manageable for me. He tests me, but not enough to break me. I know that God is helping me ease into this adult son thing. I know he'll guide me through and that soon it won't hurt so much. But today, right this minute, it's engulfing my soul. I feel incredibly sad. I miss my son.
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