Frustration Tolerance

 I have been doing alot of thinking lately over some long nights where frustration was high and sleep was fleeting.  It is very true what people say about women reaching a certain age and deciding they are done putting up with the B.S.  I think that age is 46 for me. Some things have not changed.  I am a mother to two grown daughters, one son, almost grown, one very young son and now a grandmother to one beautiful little girl.  I homeschool.  I work from home.  I live for my family, home and friends.  My passions are education and children.  I give my heart completely.  I live by the book, thrive on routine and don't like changes. 

So why, all of a sudden, do I feel so different.  I used to take the crap and roll with the punches.  When life happened to me, people would say "how do you tolerate that?" and I would just shrug and feel like it just WAS so I had to deal.  Lately, though, I don't want to just DEAL.  I don't want to let life just happen to me.  I don't want to live two different lives, one from December to June and one from July to November.  I don't want to deal with the BS.  I don't want to feel helpless because family members problems are happening to ME and they are making choices that are affecting my life in a negative way. I don't want to be responsible for wayward pets.  I don't want to be a single parent and a lonely' wife during football season.  I don't want to wonder just who I will be dealing with today when I look into the eyes of someone I love. 

Ask anyone....I will do anything and everything for my family.  Anything.  All I ask in return is to be loved back and appreciated.  When I feel used instead of appreciated, though, that's when things go south.  I don't like looking into my future and feeling frustrated and trapped.  I don't like having to put up with things that hurt me because I don't have any other choice.  I don't like it and I want to lay on the floor and stamp and scream at the injustice of it all.  My heart feels like it's hardening around the edges.  The things I want and the things I don't want seem to be heading for opposite poles.  I feel as if I am starting to define what I want and need separate from what they want and need and that's a bad thing, because my devotion will keep me in a place that sometimes is painful for me to be in. 

Sigh.  That's why I love cats lol.  While I moan, groan and complain about all the "whoa is me" in my life, my kitty sits beside me, one little paw outstretched to touch my hand, purring loudly and looking at me like I am THE very best thing since catnip. 

Okay.  Enough.  Time to go and watch my son in what will be the last of thirteen seasons for him on the football field.  God, protect my boy this season, as you have in the past twelve seasons.  Grant him some great moments to remember.  Give him teammates who are loyal.  Give him memories that will last forever.  Keep him safe, Lord.  He is my soulmate and the one I look to in this world when I need total acceptance.  I love my Boys Of Fall.  Go Cavs!!

Comments

Rev3:15 said…
Must have been in the air. As I was feeling the same way Saturday- and still am. . . . What is it with middle age?

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