Feeling Like It Doesn't Really Matter

Some days are better than others.  We all know that.  Some days the universe comes together and the sun shines down on you and all the world is there on a platter for you to enjoy.  And some days it doesn't.  Today was a bad day.  The reasons are many and they really are unimportant in the big scheme of things.  The feelings, though, run a little deeper and seem to be reinforced over and over, enough that I have been doubting myself and what I believe in and what I am passionate about.  I get praised and then then insulted.  I am wonderful and then I am not worthy of a single good thought.  I feel accomplished and then unaccomplished.  I think I've achieved success and then wonder if what I've really achieved is a glorified failure.  What is success anyway?  If you truly believe that what you have accomplished is a success, does that make it so or if someone else considers what you've done to be a failure, does that make it so?  How confusing!  Do I have enough conviction in myself to stand up for what I truly believe, even against harsh oppostition?  Am I arrogant for believing so strongly in things, not being able to see the other side even when I try?  Am I going to wake up one day and find out that I've really and truly been responsible for everything wrong with everyone and everything I've invested myself in?  Sometimes it bothers me....all the time it bothers me.  Sometimes I'm strong enough to step over it and leave the doubt behind me.  Sometimes I am not.  Sometimes it creeps up behind me and pulls me down, turns me around and forces me to look in the mirror.  The problem is, I still see what I see.  Maybe that's the problem.  I've been accused of being blind to alot of things.  I've opened my eyes really wide, yet still I cannot see the other side. 

Today is a really bad day.  I know I can't see the forest for the trees.  Tomorrow will be better.  That's the way things go.  I will keep my chin up, throw myself into doing the things I love and not look back.  What's ahead is a mystery to all of us and if I've done wrong by those I love, let them rise above my decisions because what I do, I do for love, and what I believe in I cannot help.  I guess that's how we all feel.  The trick is to blend those passions with the passions of others and make our personal world a peaceful one.  That takes lots of work, but is always worth it in the end.

Comments

jeffreymwhite1 said…
You are waxing philosophic today. If you get to any solid conclusions, please share. We all struggle with what you're going through!
July 21, 2011 at 6:59 PM
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